||[10 Feb 2017|08:39pm]
My life is so weird... like I don't even know where to begin. I just feel like there have been these flashpoints in my life, catapulting me into new levels of consciousness. I've spent my whole life on this website trying to put that into words... how ideas and events change your behaviors... your thought patterns... your priorities...
The election has been another turning point in my consciousness. My life changes each year - like the one thing that's constant is that I spend a lot of my time on earth on the computer. But sometimes I catch myself in the mundane moments of waiting for the bus or walking to the bathroom or making lunch, where I'm in awe because I could never have pictured being where I am.
Between 2013 and this summer basically, I purposely chose to ignore "politics" for the sake of my mental health. At that time, it made sense and I don't regret it because I was a bit oversaturated in the mood and social circles of Occupy. I was also not strong emotionally, my support system was weak, my living/survival situation was bleak as fuck. In fact, I ended up in the hospital for suicidal thoughts. It was more of a suicidal preoccupation. I faught it daily and my energy was wearing thin. You know when you just walk into the street because you literally don't care if you die? Yeah.. walking around with that attitude on a daily basis was slowly destroying my entire life.
When I moved back to Massachusetts via the hospital connecting me to the shelter. It was a surprising silver lining during that time. I used my time, completely taken care of, to focus on myself. What does that mean? That means purposely crafting every minute, purposely choosing which energies you want to be around. A few months before my suicidal episode, I went through another consciousness change. I developed a new sense of the energy I felt in my body. Before that... I was like a chicken with it's head cut off chasing every energy source I could find indiscriminately. In new age-y terms, I think this was the moment I figured out how my intuition works.
During that time, I didn't spend much time reading about feminism or politics. I just wanted to read books about spirituality mostly. I still like those books, but it doesn't feel the same. When I'm reading a physical book, it's usually about politics or some type of activism. A new world has been opened up to me. Now that I am unabashedly enthusiastically embracing activism and I can no longer justify turning my back to what is happening in the world.
For a while my main philosophy was to make my inner and immediate world better. I will always have that in the back of my mind because once your consciousness changes, it tends to integrate into your being. You know? I don't know... I haven't done any formal research on consciousness and I am just speculating. But that's what livejournal and blogs are for.
So yeah, most of my socializing is not spent simply hanging out like it did before. I get my socialization in structured (mostly) environments and since it's very consistent, I find myself wanting to just be by myself when I can. Finding that balance is always a struggle. This week in particular I'm especially hermit-ish. But the compounding of lonely days will surely light a fire under my ass to go out and participate in meetings and protests.
I haven't been seeing my family much in comparison to before the election because I'm busy every single weekend with meetings and protests. It's awesome and there's literally no other way I'd rather spend my time. And on days where I can't stand to be around people, I'm still learning and thinking about revolution. The US has been due for revolution for far too long. When I was little, I felt a strong emotional pull towards activism, but brushed it off as idealistic. Activism was mostly painted in a fashion that made it seem old and tired. We were in a new world now! Or so I thought.
Seeing an Occupy camp with my own eyes changed a lot. At the time, I was dating Sam/just breaking up with him and desperately trying to find a new place to fit in. My friendships were weak and shallow for the most part. One day I got invited to drive down a box of supplies to Occupy in Boston. I agreed to go because I was really lonely and we both smoked weed. He was gay by the way... so it was not to impress him or pick up dudes. I was simply in need of the presence of another human being besides my mother (who was not my pal at the time lol). Living in New Hampshire was seriously awful, but my desperation for community actually turned out to be a good thing. I remember arriving at the camp... seeing a huge network of tents and people walking around who were just really welcoming. As we were leaving, I stopped to listen to someone with a megaphone talking to a big circle of people. I remember my friend feeling bored and anxious to leave, but I wanted to stay.
Eventually, I made a friend with another gay dude (lol fag hag and proud ok)
I mention that they're gay, when otherwise it wouldn't matter, because I find it interesting how sexual motivations tend to differ from genuine interest. I notice that when I like someone, I tend to feel passionate about whatever they're passionate about. In fact, I attribute my long string of relationships to my ignorance of who I really was. I had no idea who I was, what I liked, what I cared about... I thought I did, but hindsight is 20/20.
So this friend, Dylan, he was really into hating on Obama and the US government in general. It wasn't a racist thing, so I was able to follow along. I can't recall before then ever thinking about Obama in a negative way. Dylan introduced me to finding protests on Facebook and showing up. We got involved with Occupy, and through Occupy I got involved with some libertarians - purely for sexual reasons LOL. I never called myself libertarian, but I was dating one and he had a solid community that was also welcoming, so I stuck around and went to their events, listened to their ideas, hung out, etc. etc. I was just happy to be around thinking people - which is rare in New Hampshire.
After that relationship blew up - thanks to my viscious jealousy - I fundamentally changed. My spiritual awakening happened shortly after. Even though I spent the entire relationship on edge, trying desperately to save it, I felt free when it was finally over and I realized he didn't care. As far as the timeline goes, I had a weird promiscuous stint right after that. But then something changed - I used to be dependent on sexual relationships like oxygen. I needed a constant stream of male attention and affection. Sex just happens to be the best way to get it.
It's such a convoluted process to explain how celibacy became my new norm and shielding myself from the horrors of the world (the rapes in the Congo, the drones abroad killing people, the sexism that I faced on a daily basis).
I'm glad I took a few years to be a hermit. I stored up a lot of strength and wisdom and most importantly... trust in myself and my decisions. I trust that the universe will always take care of me. It's been proven over and over again.
So with this election and the growing police brutality (Philando Castile was especially galvinizing for me) issue in the summer of 2016, I'm out of my self-imposed exile from society. My focus on spirituality and art are still there... but not as much. Not nearly as much. That might not be a bad thing because I literally spent every free minute making art... and balance is good.
I hope to find a balance between art and activism. Watching painting videos on YouTube is just not as stimulating to me as it once was. I prefer political videos, documentaries and independent news reports like The Young Turks and Democracy Now!
So yes, this is a long reflection on how my life has changed since the election and how this change fits in with my evolution as a person.
I find such things interesting. Sue me.