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Liser Always

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[16 May 2020|12:38am]

Public 20%
Friends Only 75%
Private 5%
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[10 Feb 2017|08:39pm]
My life is so weird... like I don't even know where to begin. I just feel like there have been these flashpoints in my life, catapulting me into new levels of consciousness. I've spent my whole life on this website trying to put that into words... how ideas and events change your behaviors... your thought patterns... your priorities...

The election has been another turning point in my consciousness.  My life changes each year - like the one thing that's constant is that I spend a lot of my time on earth on the computer. But sometimes I catch myself in the mundane moments of waiting for the bus or walking to the bathroom or making lunch, where I'm in awe because I could never have pictured being where I am.

Between 2013 and this summer basically, I purposely chose to ignore "politics" for the sake of my mental health. At that time, it made sense and I don't regret it because I was a bit oversaturated in the mood and social circles of Occupy. I was also not strong emotionally, my support system was weak, my living/survival situation was bleak as fuck. In fact, I ended up in the hospital for suicidal thoughts. It was more of a suicidal preoccupation. I faught it daily and my energy was wearing thin. You know when you just walk into the street because you literally don't care if you die? Yeah.. walking around with that attitude on a daily basis was slowly destroying my entire life.

When I moved back to Massachusetts via the hospital connecting me to the shelter. It was a surprising silver lining during that time. I used my time, completely taken care of, to focus on myself. What does that mean? That means purposely crafting every minute, purposely choosing which energies you want to be around. A few months before my suicidal episode, I went through another consciousness change. I developed a new sense of the energy I felt in my body. Before that... I was like a chicken with it's head cut off chasing every energy source I could find indiscriminately. In new age-y terms, I think this was the moment I figured out how my intuition works.

During that time, I didn't spend much time reading about feminism or politics. I just wanted to read books about spirituality mostly. I still like those books, but it doesn't feel the same. When I'm reading a physical book, it's usually about politics or some type of activism. A new world has been opened up to me. Now that I am unabashedly enthusiastically embracing activism and I can no longer justify turning my back to what is happening in the world.

For a while my main philosophy was to make my inner and immediate world better. I will always have that in the back of my mind because once your consciousness changes, it tends to integrate into your being. You know? I don't know... I haven't done any formal research on consciousness and I am just speculating. But that's what livejournal and blogs are for.

So yeah, most of my socializing is not spent simply hanging out like it did before. I get my socialization in structured (mostly) environments and since it's very consistent, I find myself wanting to just be by myself when I can. Finding that balance is always a struggle. This week in particular I'm especially hermit-ish. But the compounding of lonely days will surely light a fire under my ass to go out and participate in meetings and protests.

I haven't been seeing my family much in comparison to before the election because I'm busy every single weekend with meetings and protests. It's awesome and there's literally no other way I'd rather spend my time. And on days where I can't stand to be around people, I'm still learning and thinking about revolution. The US has been due for revolution for far too long. When I was little, I felt a strong emotional pull towards activism, but brushed it off as idealistic. Activism was mostly painted in a fashion that made it seem old and tired. We were in a new world now! Or so I thought.

Seeing an Occupy camp with my own eyes changed a lot. At the time, I was dating Sam/just breaking up with him and desperately trying to find a new place to fit in. My friendships were weak and shallow for the most part. One day I got invited to drive down a box of supplies to Occupy in Boston. I agreed to go because I was really lonely and we both smoked weed. He was gay by the way... so it was not to impress him or pick up dudes. I was simply in need of the presence of another human being besides my mother (who was not my pal at the time lol). Living in New Hampshire was seriously awful, but my desperation for community actually turned out to be a good thing. I remember arriving at the camp... seeing a huge network of tents and people walking around who were just really welcoming. As we were leaving, I stopped to listen to someone with a megaphone talking to a big circle of people. I remember my friend feeling bored and anxious to leave, but I wanted to stay.

Eventually, I made a friend with another gay dude (lol fag hag and proud ok)
I mention that they're gay, when otherwise it wouldn't matter, because I find it interesting how sexual motivations tend to differ from genuine interest. I notice that when I like someone, I tend to feel passionate about whatever they're passionate about. In fact, I attribute my long string of relationships to my ignorance of who I really was. I had no idea who I was, what I liked, what I cared about... I thought I did, but hindsight is 20/20.

So this friend, Dylan, he was really into hating on Obama and the US government in general. It wasn't a racist thing, so I was able to follow along. I can't recall before then ever thinking about Obama in a negative way. Dylan introduced me to finding protests on Facebook and showing up. We got involved with Occupy, and through Occupy I got involved with some libertarians - purely for sexual reasons LOL. I never called myself libertarian, but I was dating one and he had a solid community that was also welcoming, so I stuck around and went to their events, listened to their ideas, hung out, etc. etc. I was just happy to be around thinking people - which is rare in New Hampshire.

After that relationship blew up - thanks to my viscious jealousy - I fundamentally changed. My spiritual awakening happened shortly after. Even though I spent the entire relationship on edge, trying desperately to save it, I felt free when it was finally over and I realized he didn't care. As far as the timeline goes, I had a weird promiscuous stint right after that. But then something changed - I used to be dependent on sexual relationships like oxygen. I needed a constant stream of male attention and affection. Sex just happens to be the best way to get it.

It's such a convoluted process to explain how celibacy became my new norm and shielding myself from the horrors of the world (the rapes in the Congo, the drones abroad killing people, the sexism that I faced on a daily basis).

I'm glad I took a few years to be a hermit. I stored up a lot of strength and wisdom and most importantly... trust in myself and my decisions. I trust that the universe will always take care of me. It's been proven over and over again.

So with this election and the growing police brutality (Philando Castile was especially galvinizing for me) issue in the summer of 2016, I'm out of my self-imposed exile from society. My focus on spirituality and art are still there... but not as much. Not nearly as much. That might not be a bad thing because I literally spent every free minute making art... and balance is good.

I hope to find a balance between art and activism. Watching painting videos on YouTube is just not as stimulating to me as it once was. I prefer political videos, documentaries and independent news reports like The Young Turks and Democracy Now!

So yes, this is a long reflection on how my life has changed since the election and how this change fits in with my evolution as a person.

I find such things interesting. Sue me.

[16 Jan 2017|04:40pm]

5. “Again we have deluded ourselves into believing the myth that Capitalism grew and prospered out of the Protestant ethic of hard work and sacrifice. The fact is that capitalism was built on the exploitation and suffering of black slaves and continues to thrive on the exploitation of the poor – both black and white, both here and abroad.”

Martin Luther King Jr. —  “The Three Evils of Society,” 1967

—  “The Three Evils of Society,” 1967

Quoting Myself Cus I'm Cool Like That [03 Jan 2017|06:54pm]
If a generation of children grew up on Steven Universe, I would -maybe- consider bringing a child into this world. LOL I've always said if I had a son I would want him to be like Steven. I feel such deep love for these characters. I hope I can deliver my art in such a healing and positive way. It's all I want out of life.

I love this show for always reminding me what's real: laughter and love.


Working Woman Blues [30 Dec 2016|07:29pm]
I had the longest work week in a while this week. No matter how much sleep I get, I'm still tired. It's like this job sucks the soul out of me. Almost every time I go to work, I have half a mind to quit. There's just too much responsibility for such little pay. One hour of my job is like 2 hours anywhere else because I work with kids. It's not even that the kids themselves are the problem... it's the lack of staff. If we had more staff, this job would be so much more fulfilling. As it stands, I can't spend too much time with any one kid without neglecting SO MUCH going on around me. We provide childcare to poor people, so obviously we're not rolling in the dollars... but I really have no idea how much money the company has overall. I want to believe they're paying everyone a decent wage, but I can't help but imagine the CEO and people at the top make outrageous salaries.

Anyways... the real issue is how much of an impact it has on me. I don't feel like painting at all. I have been drawing and using colored pencils in an adult coloring book thing but for some reason painting feels like an annoyance. I definitely need to start actively looking for a new job. I can't stand this job. Transportation is always an issue... I either have to ask for a ride (which makes me cringe just thinking about it) or take the bus which takes HOURS. It's a hassle to say the least.

It's frustrating... just when I thought I found a good fit at a job, I realize it's not a good fit. That's life I guess. I honestly can't even imagine a "job" that would be energizing, rather than soul sucking. Here's to hoping something beyond my imagination shows up in my search. I know I will find my place in due time.

[29 Dec 2016|01:03pm]

[14 Dec 2016|06:47pm]

[05 Dec 2016|06:36pm]
In interview after interview, the women of Standing Rock said that we are at the end of the patriarchal era of competition, aggression, and force. As Pearl explained, we are now in a new era called the Fifth World by the indigenous peoples of North America. “It’s a refined, heightened energy. That energy resonates with the highest frequency, which is love. Compassion. Nurturing.”


[30 Nov 2016|07:52pm]

I can definitely vouch for this experientially.

[30 Nov 2016|02:45pm]

Just sent this to Congresswoman Niki Tsongas

*after a brief introduction of our mutual connections*

I have to beg you to consider taking action, or at least speaking out, about the environmental racism and militarization of the police in North Dakota. An oil company first proposed building a pipeline through Bismarck, a predominantly white town. The people of Bismarck said NO WAY. Then this oil company proceeds to just start drilling on NATIVE AMERICAN LAND. By law, by Treaty (seriously you can look this up!), the land belongs to the Sioux tribe. Does the oil company care? No. Are the local politicians and law enforcement doing anything? Yes. But here's the catch... they are terrorizing water protectors, intimidating, shooting, spraying with water in sub-freezing temperatures... The OIL POLICE injured over 300 people alone last week. I watched it happen. There is video footage. There has been a media blackout as well as disgusting reporting, stating the lying law enforcement's statements as facts. There is something seriously wrong with this country right now. This is the time to speak out on issues that matter to every day people.

Yes, this is in North Dakota, not Massachusetts, but when does it stop? What makes you feel so safe? Your money? I'm a millenial. That kind of thing doesn't fly with me.

Here's the thing, oil spills contaminating local water is a terrorizing force to children and their families. It's not a question of if this pipeline will ruin the water supply to millions of people in the heart of this country... it's WHEN. There are horrendous health issues that come along to exposure to this oil.... tumors, seizures, death... it's a nightmare.

After the election this year, I can no longer stand by and neglect my duties as a citizen to be informed and to vote. Your silence on this issue, as well as Elizabeth Warren's silence, severely impacts my vision of two seemingly strong women from Massachusetts as viable options to vote for moving forward. Massachusetts... a state whose name was appropriated from Native Americans... should be ashamed of itself for having no representation in standing up for the Sioux tribe at Standing Rock in North Dakota.


[22 Nov 2016|07:34pm]

[21 Nov 2016|08:03pm]

Leyla Josephine | Spoken Word [15 Nov 2016|11:00pm]

post-election update [12 Nov 2016|01:07am]
Well, I got what I asked for.
That orange bafoon .... I can't even say it.

So much has happened in the last few days

- I met and had lunch with a murderer on Tuesday, Election Day.

- I cried in public all day long and made a scene in downtown Lowell on Wednesday (a bunch of old white people were "protesting" panhandlers - I told them they're a disgrace to this state and then I kicked over some trash barrels. Mature. I know right?)

- I went to a protest in Boston that night where I got to scream and dance with my dear friend Bethania, who I hardly ever get to see. I woke up anew after the protest. Still anxious, but in a bad ass kind of way that makes me want to run miles and learn everything I can.

- Tonight I introduced a Trump apologist (telling me he think men's rights has some good points and Trump isn't a rapist) to another feminist in the crowd who had the stamina to have a long conversation with this man. They talked to each other and really listened to each other. It was beautiful. I was not in the right state of mind to do it myself. Thank god I decided to tell someone in the crowd about him!

- Then I got into a mini/near accident coming home from another protest. I'm fine, just a little sore.

- Not even 5 minutes later, I found out one of my friends, Lindsey Ferrarro, was so brutally beat up by her fiance, her brain is bleeding and the bones in her face are broken...

- I started a new notebook last night where I'm collecting information about important/recurring words, names, events, etc. regarding politics and history - both world and US history. I'm already more informed than the average American, but I'm ready to take it to the next level so I can articulate it in a way that is understandable to the people around me... rather than having to try to remember and then vaguely explain it, stumbling with my words.

- I started running for the first time since 2009 when I had a big enough long-term panic attack to feel the need to physically exhaust myself. The amount of energy inside of me, both good and bad, is difficult to bear. 1 minute running, 4 mins walking. Do that for 30 mins. There's a huge track down the street from me, so I get the warm up and down walk :D

- I also coordinated with the young women in my family to empower each other. I'm so glad my nieces have me in their lives right now. They're so scared. I'm not fighting Trump for me, I'm fighting Trump for 1. the whole of humanity and 2. the people I love are affected by this. I need to show them they have someone with privilege in their life that is using it for good. I can show up to a protest where the local chapter of the KKK (cough NH cough) is watching us with guns. That is tomorrow. can't wait.

Many of my friends are people of color and they are justifiably frightened to attend protests, speak up for themselves, or start any trouble at all. I am white and there is privilege in that. I am showing up in life for them. For love. Love is the biggest motivator in the entire cosmos for us as human beings. My anxiety is out of love. Sometimes love means defending and speaking up for the ones you love.

What's the Electoral College Again? [12 Nov 2016|12:37am]
[ mood | curious ]

I'm doing my research. I did sign the petition before any formal research, knowing the electoral college was there for a reason but forgetting what it was.

The Young Turks, as always, consider many points of view on the topic. I want to post this on Facebook, but I know it will quickly get drowned out. I'll keep it safe here.


[11 Nov 2016|09:48pm]
Just ran into a dog on the highway! We had to hit the breaks so there was the usual impact where I hit my head a little bit but I'm ok. The dog safely crossed. All is well. Time was in slow motion and everything was so surreal ... it was very interesting. Fear is nowhere in me right now, it's kinda cool. 👊

[10 Nov 2016|11:26pm]

This was my night tonight in my hometown, Boston. [10 Nov 2016|02:53am]
[ mood | exhaustedly hopeful ]


We are mobilized. We're getting organized. I've been waiting for this my whole life. [10 Nov 2016|02:48am]

[09 Nov 2016|01:45am]


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